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Life Isn’t About Finding Yourself… It’s About Creating Yourself

On By Patti StottsIn change, Creating a new you, Entertainment, life, life on life's terms, live for today, make each moment count, new beginnings, positive thinking, relocating, spiritual growth, starting over, Uncategorized2 Comments

Browsing around Barnes and Noble, I saw a plaque with the following saying on it:

Creating yourself

Believe it or not, I had never heard that quote before. The funny thing is, when I moved from IL to AZ just under a month ago, many of my friends asked if I was trying to find myself. I laughed it off, and said that I’ve been looking for a long time and haven’t found anything yet!

I suppose that answers the question for me. I will never “find” myself. The only self I will be showing to the world is the self which I create. I don’t want to find myself… Instead, I want to create the me that I want to be.

We have the power to be who we want to be, do what we want to do, and go where we want to go. I proved that to myself by picking up my life, packing it all in a 20 foot U-Haul truck, and moving myself across the country on a leap of faith. I want to create a “me” with whom I could see myself being best friends. Think about it… don’t we all want to be the person that others want to be around.

I am creating, and re-creating, myself each and every day. I am not looking to find out who I am. I will never know that for sure. So here I sit, writing, looking forward to each new day, and praying for the guidance to help me be the best ME I can be!

~ Patti Crowley

See Ya Later

On By Patti StottsIn change, Entertainment, life, life on life's terms, new beginnings, parenting, positive thinking, relocating, spiritual growth, starting over, Uncategorized, women2 Comments


uhaul2

 

Last week, I piled everything I own on a truck, hooked my car up for the tow, and drove from Chicago to Arizona. To say this was challenging would be putting it mildly. However, the real challenge was leaving behind my kids, who I hope will eventually join me permanently. My 22 year old son is already out living on his own, but my 18 year old daughter will be staying behind her first year to attend her freshman year of college in IL. She is planning to move to AZ next year to attend school here. But for now, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I did not realize how much I would miss her. I kept saying to her, “Meg, it’s okay. It will just be like you are leaving me to go to college a little early.” The truth is… I was the one leaving her.

I was in my 30’s, married with children, when my parents decided to pack up and move to Nevada. I was devastated, and thought they were being selfish. But as time went on, I understood that it was something they had desperately wanted to do, maybe even needed to do. They spent the last years of their lives enjoying life in the mountains.

So as Megan and I packed up all of our things, we had different boxes for her. Some were labeled “Arizona”, for when she comes to visit, and others were labeled “college”. We sat on the floor of her room packing those boxes, and I believe that is when the reality of it all set in. I always worried that I would have such a rough time when my baby left for college, but here I was doing the leaving first.

Saying goodbye was heartbreaking, for both of us. But it isn’t goodbye… just see ya later! As I drove away, with tears in my eyes, hauling everything I own in that 20 foot truck, I realized what I carried on that truck was just STUFF. What I really have is love… love for my children, love for the friends I left behind, and love of the life we have all built together. None of that goes away… life changes, relationships change… but they don’t end. Meg comes out to visit this weekend, and I cannot wait to see her! When she leaves to go back and prepare for her first year of college, it won’t be goodbye. We will just say, “See ya later”.

~ Patti Crowley

uhaul

Coming Out of the Fog

On By Patti StottsIn change, life, life on life's terms, new beginnings, positive thinking, relocating, spiritual growth, starting over, Uncategorized, women2 Comments

fog

 

St. Roberts, Missouri was the first stop along my 27 hour journey from Illinois to Arizona.  I did not intend to stop, since I was determined to drive later into that first night. However, when I was driving along the winding, hilly road at around 11pm, I found myself driving in and out of a thick fog. I would get up to the top of a hill, become blinded by the fog, only to drop down into a clearing. This up and down, in and out, went on for several miles, until I finally decided it was time to play it safe and find a place to sleep for the night.

I woke early, refreshed, and ready to start back out on my journey. Driving long distances gives one plenty of time to think and reflect. I thought about that fog, and how I had felt such anxiety while in the midst of it, only to come out on the other end into a place of clarity. As the fog was in my rear view mirror, I had felt such a sense of relief and peace at having come out of it.

Such has been my life. How many times have I felt the anxiety of the unknown, the fear of what I cannot see in front of me? Eventually, after each fog in my life cleared, I would have that same sense of peace at having made it through. The fog never lasts forever. Yet each time I have found myself coming out of one, I feel that I have grown stronger for the experience, with lessons learned along the way. The knowledge that this too shall pass never seems to be enough when you are in the middle of a fog, vision impaired. However, once you come out of the other side, there is a sense of strength and accomplishment. So for now, I am happy to be in a place of clarity… at least until the next fog arrives. But then, this too shall pass!

~ Patti Crowley

 

Racing the Sun

On By Patti StottsIn change, Entertainment, life, life on life's terms, new beginnings, positive thinking, relocating, spiritual growth, starting over, Uncategorized, women6 Comments

racing the sun

This photo was taken on my 1770 mile drive from Chicago to Arizona last week.  Okay, so I should not have been taking a photo while driving a 20ft U-Haul truck towing my car behind at about 70 mph… but I just HAD TO!  You see, I was cruising along on the adventure of a lifetime, and it occurred to me that I was racing with the sun.  Seemingly, the sun was taking an awful long time to set. I watched it reach the horizon, attempting to settle in for it’s peaceful slumber beyond the landscape, but it just would not go down. Each mile I traveled, it was still there, just out of reach.

This thought astounded me. The sky continually changed between beautiful hues of orange and red, to deep purple. I felt as though it was taunting me, begging me to hurry up. It reminded me of being a child and playing “You’re It”. The faster I drove, the further away that horizon seemed.

All of this made me think of my life, and how many times I have chased dreams, always feeling as though they were just out of reach. But, do you know what? I eventually arrived at my destination. I made the 27 hour drive in less than two days. That is less than 48 hours! I can honestly say that I did not feel fatigued or frustrated at any single moment on the journey. My spirit was simply jumping up and down inside of me with this immense joy and anticipation. The mountains had called to me, and when I crossed over into Arizona, driving through the inexplicable beauty of Flagstaff, chasing the western sun, I said aloud to the heavens, “Mom, I’m home!”

~ Patti Crowley

 

And So It Begins..

On By Patti StottsIn Uncategorized2 Comments

In the words of the band, SemiSonic, (had to look that up as I’ve never heard of them), “Every new beginning comes from somenew beginnings other beginning’s end”.  This is so relevant this morning in the wake of my youngest’s graduation from high school. It is actually ironic that I would be sentimental about the end of her high school years, since neither she nor I liked the school.  With just under 1,000 students in the graduation class, it was easy to get lost in the mix.  Highly competitive, with a vast range of income levels including a highly privileged sector, Megan found it incredibly difficult to assimilate. Yes, she received an excellent education and that should be all that matters, but sometimes all I can think about is the way in which she suffered in her first year as she felt she simply could not fit in. However, as time went on, she developed strong friendships with a few girls with whom she has made wonderful memories.

So, that got me thinking about how many times in my life I have formed friendships, whether through work or within the neighborhood, only to move on with my life feeling as though a part of my life has ended. Although we may keep in touch, things are never quite the same when you no longer work at the same company or live in the same neighborhood. The truly strong connections live on, but not all do. Still, I believe we take pieces of every friendship along with us for the long haul. Each relationship contributes to the person we are at this very moment, and who we will be going forward.

graduationMy daughter and I were talking about all of this last night. We discussed how her high school career began, and then how it ended. As she looks forward to her college experience, she realizes that as she enters this new adventure, this new beginning, she takes with her lessons she has learned, heartaches she has endured, and successes of which to be proud.

~ Patti Crowley

Surrender

On By Patti StottsIn Entertainment, life, parenting, poetry, Uncategorized3 Comments

Directly in front of me
It taunts me, laughing with that wicked smile
Just out of reach, yet I attempt a desperate grasp
I sigh, exasperated when my hand comes back empty
Empty as I

For a moment, I concede
I take a step back, looking at the paved path behind
The long stretches of smooth bricks, thoughtfully placed
Mixed with fleeting sharp curves
Twists and turns with patterns I have yet to comprehend

Turning back around, facing once again what calls to me, haunts me
Taking a long, measured breath
Tightly closed eyes,
I loosen my clenched fists, toss back my head, and smile
Peace settles within as I surrender to what will Be.

~ Patti Crowley

Mountains or Bust?

On By Patti StottsIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Desperate to capture one last moment, one last photo, I found myself begging.  Absolutely no pictures allowed! On her very last day of high school, my beautiful daughter prepared to leave. My allergies are at their worst today, so although my head was pounding, I brought my lazy butt downstairs to see her off.  Last night, in a text to her father, I said the words, “It all went so fast.”  A simple text that opened the flood gates for me, and I began to cry.  He laughed, well actually he LOL’d, if that is a word!  I am so grateful that although we’ve been divorced for 12 years, we share with each other the love for our children and mutual respect.

So, this brings me to this place of contemplation and wonder, a good place actually.  In feeling that things are coming to an end, I have to remind myself that the truth is, they are only just beginning. Her story is yet unwritten, and truth be told, so is mine. This is her time, and it is also mine.  Although my duties as a mom are far from being over, my life is, in many ways, truly my own.  With both of my children off on their own very soon, it is time to do what I have ALWAYS wanted to do.

Years ago, my parents moved to Nevada. I remember thinking they were crazy, and was a little miffed that they would up and leave!  However, in time, I learned that they were so content there, happier than I had ever seen them, actually. They had a lovely condo that overlooked the mountains.  After a visit, I told my mother that one day, when the kids were grown, I would come live near the mountains too.  So that is exactly what I am planning to do. With both of my parents gone now, friends have asked me what on earth I am thinking, moving across the country, ALONE.  I have to chuckle at that… because that is exactly what I will not be in the mountains… ALONE.  They simply cannot understand, cannot know, for what it is I am searching.  How could they, when I am not even certain myself?

sunset

Herein begins my journey. My daughter and I will visit Arizona next week, where I have two job interviews set up, and we will be searching for a modest home with a view of the spectacular mountains! This trip is not only my graduation gift to her, but a gift to myself.  Call me selfish, call me impulsive, if you will.  I will just call me, unwritten. I cannot wait to see how the story ends!

 

My Awesome Empty Nest!

On By Patti StottsIn Uncategorized2 Comments

me and megIn less than two weeks, my youngest will be graduating from high school. As a divorced mother, I can do one of two things. I can either be distraught, cling to her tightly, and cry myself to sleep at night, or I can do something else entirely.  I can dream of all the things I will be able to do in my new awesome empty nest.

The possibilities are endless! I can dance naked (okay, okay so I’d never be naked at my age) around the house listening to the music my daughter hates. I can cook all the things I avoided because my kids didn’t like them. Oh, I can’t wait to smell up the house with pan-seared tilapia, asparagus, & brown rice! I will actually have complete control over the DVR for a change. It will not be filled up with One Tree Hill and the Voice – although I admit that I kinda like the Voice so that one can stay. The second bathroom will remain clean – what a concept!! There will be no dirty laundry strewn across the floor of the loft outside my daughter’s room to step over. There will be adequate space for my shoes by the back door instead of four different pairs of Converse in every imaginable color.

With no one waiting at home for me, I can run to the gym after work without hurrying home. Without anyone to need a  check for the myraid of senior year activities, which are causing my wallet to feel a little thin these days, I can indulge in spending on ME. I can turn the second bedroom into an office, or a guest room, decorated to my liking. With no one else parking in the garage, I don’t have to worry about anyone opening their door into mine when parking too close.

Who would have thought the day would actually come when I would be an empty nester?  The idea of it should be cause for celebration.  I should be doing the happy dance right now. So why do I sit here typing with tears in my eyes? Why do I long for the days of little chubby arms wrapped around my neck whispering “Mommy”? Why do I wish that I could have one more day of sitting on the floor watching Barney with my little ones, while dinner is cooking in the kitchen? Why does my house already feel quiet and bare? I have a few more months before she leaves for college. Will I celebrate when she leaves? No. I will kiss her goodbye, watch her leave, and thank the dear Lord for placing her in my care for 18 wonderful years.  I will pray that I have taught her well, and that she will continue to grow into the beautiful, kind, and generous young woman that she already is. I will pray that no harm comes to her, that she makes many wonderful friends, and that she thinks fondly of her time with me. I pray that one day I will actually feel like celebrating, and you will find me dancing (almost) naked through my empty nest.

 

Living with a Stranger

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As the years have gone by, I have found myself feeling unsettled. Yes, unsettled is definitely the right word. You may know the feeling… the one that makes you feel as though you just want to run, or makes you feel as though you want to just jump right out of your own skin. It is not really an unhappiness, but instead, just a feeling of mild discomfort. I have felt this way for many years, and never really knew why. I am still not sure if I know the reason, but lately I have been really trying to consider this.

I was recently accused of over thinking things. Now I must note that I used the word “accused” with the intent purpose of emphasizing the negative way in which I took this judgment, and yes, I took it as harsh judgment. But after sitting on this for a few days, it occurred to me that it is not really a bad thing that I over think things. I would rather spend a lifetime examining things to death, than find myself at the end of my life not having cared enough to think at all! So looking at myself, I realize that my constant need to question things, situations, and other people is just the way I am. Take me or leave me, even though I am not so sure I even know who “me” is.

All of this over thinking leads me to look at myself in the mirror, and wonder who that girl (okay, middle aged woman to be specific) is really. I may as well be looking at a stranger, because truth be told, I have no idea who is looking back at me. Maybe this is a lifelong journey.  Maybe we are not meant to really ever know ourselves. Did God put us here to only look outward? No, I believe we were meant to look within, but it is so much easier to not. I have spent a lifetime seeing myself only as others see me, or how I THINK they see me, but I think I may have to start really looking at myself through my own lens.

I recently complained that no one has ever really gotten to know the real me. But in reality, I have held others at arm’s length at times, fearful that if they knew the real me, they would not like what they saw. I have love still to give, and gifts yet to be discovered. But then, how can anyone ever discover in me, what I have yet to discover within myself.

~ Patti Crowley

Last Christmas

On By Patti StottsIn Uncategorized2 Comments
Illustration from children's novel, Christmas ...
Illustration from children’s novel, Christmas Holidays at Merryvale by Alice Hale Burnett. Caption:”There she comes! She’s falling!” cried the boys. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This Christmas season is bittersweet.  My daughter and I were decorating the house last night.  Her brother, who is 21, was getting ready to go out with friends so he had no interest in helping.  Last year, and every year before, we would decorate together, listen to Christmas music, and have some laughs.  So at one point while decorating, Megan sat down on the couch and just seemed disinterested.  Of course, I felt annoyed to be doing it all myself, but instead of getting angry, I simply asked what was up.  She looked at me with watery eyes and said, “Mom, this is my last year home.  Next year, I’ll be away at college.  And Michael is not even helping us!”  My heart broke.  I just didn’t know what to say, because truthfully, I was thinking the same thing!

I tried to get her to enjoy the moment, and not think about next year, but was unsuccessful.  I was exchanging texts with a friend of mine, so I told him about Megan.  His response was, “Tell Meg she carries home in her heart.”  I could not have come up with a more perfect thing to say, and his text blew me away.  So I passed that message along to Megan, and she almost cried.  I have to admit that my response was the same.

Life has changed, and so have the holidays, since my divorce over 10 years ago.  But although it is hard for the kids to share holidays, and have to celebrate with their parents separately, they know they are loved.  Growing up is hard, but so is being the parent to children who are becoming adults.  I remember those days when the children were young.  Holiday preparations were filled with excitement and anticipation.  I have to remind myself that although holidays are not the same as they were years ago, I can make them all about spending time with my young adult children.  At their ages, their lives are full with friends, school, and jobs.  Any time that we can carve out to spend together is a huge bonus!  I have to also remind myself that I am an incredibly lucky mom to have two wonderful kids who still actually WANT to spend time with me.  I suppose that means I have done my job.  I have to believe that I have done right by them, and that I will be sending them off into the real world with the tools they need.  What they do with those tools is up to them.

So, although at times the holidays lack the excitement they had when my kids were young, I have to accept that life changes. Change is good.  I absolutely cannot look at this as the Last Christmas.  Instead, it is the first of many Christmases with my “adult” children. It’s a beautiful thing!