In the words of the band, SemiSonic, (had to look that up as I’ve never heard of them), “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”.  This is so relevant this morning in the wake of my youngest’s graduation from high school. It is actually ironic that I would be sentimental about the end of her high school years, since neither she nor I liked the school.  With just under 1,000 students in the graduation class, it was easy to get lost in the mix.  Highly competitive, with a vast range of income levels including a highly privileged sector, Megan found it incredibly difficult to assimilate. Yes, she received an excellent education and that should be all that matters, but sometimes all I can think about is the way in which she suffered in her first year as she felt she simply could not fit in. However, as time went on, she developed strong friendships with a few girls with whom she has made wonderful memories.

So, that got me thinking about how many times in my life I have formed friendships, whether through work or within the neighborhood, only to move on with my life feeling as though a part of my life has ended. Although we may keep in touch, things are never quite the same when you no longer work at the same company or live in the same neighborhood. The truly strong connections live on, but not all do. Still, I believe we take pieces of every friendship along with us for the long haul. Each relationship contributes to the person we are at this very moment, and who we will be going forward.

My daughter and I were talking about all of this last night. We discussed how her high school career began, and then how it ended. As she looks forward to her college experience, she realizes that as she enters this new adventure, this new beginning, she takes with her lessons she has learned, heartaches she has endured, and successes of which to be proud.

~ Patti Crowley

Desperate to capture one last moment, one last photo, I found myself begging.  Absolutely no pictures allowed! On her very last day of high school, my beautiful daughter prepared to leave. My allergies are at their worst today, so although my head was pounding, I brought my lazy butt downstairs to see her off.  Last night, in a text to her father, I said the words, “It all went so fast.”  A simple text that opened the flood gates for me, and I began to cry.  He laughed, well actually he LOL’d, if that is a word!  I am so grateful that although we’ve been divorced for 12 years, we share with each other the love for our children and mutual respect.

So, this brings me to this place of contemplation and wonder, a good place actually.  In feeling that things are coming to an end, I have to remind myself that the truth is, they are only just beginning. Her story is yet unwritten, and truth be told, so is mine. This is her time, and it is also mine.  Although my duties as a mom are far from being over, my life is, in many ways, truly my own.  With both of my children off on their own very soon, it is time to do what I have ALWAYS wanted to do.

Years ago, my parents moved to Nevada. I remember thinking they were crazy, and was a little miffed that they would up and leave!  However, in time, I learned that they were so content there, happier than I had ever seen them, actually. They had a lovely condo that overlooked the mountains.  After a visit, I told my mother that one day, when the kids were grown, I would come live near the mountains too.  So that is exactly what I am planning to do. With both of my parents gone now, friends have asked me what on earth I am thinking, moving across the country, ALONE.  I have to chuckle at that… because that is exactly what I will not be in the mountains… ALONE.  They simply cannot understand, cannot know, for what it is I am searching.  How could they, when I am not even certain myself?

Herein begins my journey. My daughter and I will visit Arizona next week, where I have two job interviews set up, and we will be searching for a modest home with a view of the spectacular mountains! This trip is not only my graduation gift to her, but a gift to myself.  Call me selfish, call me impulsive, if you will.  I will just call me, unwritten. I cannot wait to see how the story ends!

As the years have gone by, I have found myself feeling unsettled. Yes, unsettled is definitely the right word. You may know the feeling… the one that makes you feel as though you just want to run, or makes you feel as though you want to just jump right out of your own skin. It is not really an unhappiness, but instead, just a feeling of mild discomfort. I have felt this way for many years, and never really knew why. I am still not sure if I know the reason, but lately I have been really trying to consider this.

I was recently accused of over thinking things. Now I must note that I used the word “accused” with the intent purpose of emphasizing the negative way in which I took this judgment, and yes, I took it as harsh judgment. But after sitting on this for a few days, it occurred to me that it is not really a bad thing that I over think things. I would rather spend a lifetime examining things to death, than find myself at the end of my life not having cared enough to think at all! So looking at myself, I realize that my constant need to question things, situations, and other people is just the way I am. Take me or leave me, even though I am not so sure I even know who “me” is.

All of this over thinking leads me to look at myself in the mirror, and wonder who that girl (okay, middle aged woman to be specific) is really. I may as well be looking at a stranger, because truth be told, I have no idea who is looking back at me. Maybe this is a lifelong journey.  Maybe we are not meant to really ever know ourselves. Did God put us here to only look outward? No, I believe we were meant to look within, but it is so much easier to not. I have spent a lifetime seeing myself only as others see me, or how I THINK they see me, but I think I may have to start really looking at myself through my own lens.

I recently complained that no one has ever really gotten to know the real me. But in reality, I have held others at arm’s length at times, fearful that if they knew the real me, they would not like what they saw. I have love still to give, and gifts yet to be discovered. But then, how can anyone ever discover in me, what I have yet to discover within myself.

~ Patti Crowley